Read by Kevin Benscheidt ’17
Objects in motion will remain in motion unless
acted upon by an outside force. Objects
at rest will remain at rest unless acted upon
by an outside force. Matthew Olzmann
is an object at rest, and will remain at rest,
reclining on the couch while drinking Guinness
and watching football. Or, he is an object at rest,
and will remain at rest, sprawled over the couch
while drinking Guinness and watching hockey.
Or, he could be merely napping on the couch,
having already finished a Guinness,
and though the TV is on, he’s not watching,
because it’s three in the afternoon and there’s nothing
to watch. Where does Matthew Olzmann go
when he shuts his lovely eyes and dreams
his lovely dreams about drinking Guinness
while hunting saber-toothed tigers? Obviously,
he goes nowhere. Let me say this again. The man
is an object at rest, a legendary object at rest,
and will remain at rest unless acted upon
by his wife, who comes home shortly
and will remind him to take out the garbage
or go to the grocery store. Matthew Olzmann
would have performed these duties by now,
but it’s hard to rise from this couch,
impossible actually, if one believes in physics.
Matthew Olzmann believes in physics.
Let no one say he did not believe.
“Sir Isaac Newton’s First Law of Motion” by Mathew Olzmann appeared in NER 35.3
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